Decided to finish Bruce L. Shelley's book on church history; blitzed through maybe 200 pages in an hour or so. An excellent read that book was, thanks Bruce for giving it to me. (Although it does get a little dry...say from 800 to 1600 AD.)
A quote really stuck out to me while reading though. The context doesn't matter; something to do with 19th century religious Liberalism or something. But this quote was so powerful I immediately wrote it down...on paper, no less!...and started dwelling on it.
"(Salvation) begins with the question 'What must I do to me saved?' But if the question means, 'How can I go to heaven when I die?' then it's a theoretical question. To be saved means to live a new life, to be saved from sin, selfishness, fear, and guilt."
The only true conversion point in my life that I've historically held on to was when I asked my mom, at the age of 4, "How can I go to heaven? I want to become a Christian."
Since that time, I've literally gone through a pattern of every few years doubting my salvation. No kidding, but I can list the times and places when I've gone through this. And near the end of each time of doubt, someone will always tell me just to rely on Scripture. It got to the point where I could "prove" my salvation using any numbers of Scripture; yet I didn't feel like I was living a redeemed and holy life. I had no relationship with God to speak of, and I certainly didn't "love Him because He first loved me."
So now I'm learning to walk in faith. I cannot point to a specific thing in my life...a place, an event...and say, "THAT is my salvation story." I do not even know now if I should be able to do so. It's suddenly unimportant to me. What's important to me is walking in faith, building an actual relationship with my Lord, and continuing in it. I want to learn to love and worship my Saviour.
"I'm ready...I'm ready for what's next."